


What a fine mess this is

by SrokaZlodziejka



Category: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-21
Updated: 2019-11-03
Packaged: 2020-12-27 07:30:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21115043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SrokaZlodziejka/pseuds/SrokaZlodziejka
Summary: Shorts a bout the ineffable bureaucracy paring, taking place shortly after the nahmagedon. What is an Archangel and a demon prince to do, when they outlive what they understand to be the end all be all of there respective existences?





	1. Chapter 1

Beelzebub was currently going thru something she hesitated to call a life crisis. No it wasn't that definitely not that. Beez was merely questioning her place in the divine plan, all decisions that leed her to this point so far, and if just getting up , zapping herself a ca,r and vanishing in to the newly reform human grey mass never again to pick up a phone or to fill up a sheet of paper work wasn't a good idea. It felt like a good idea. Internally. What it didn't feel like was a life crisis. This statement how ever , did not come whit an internal stamp of approval. more so whit a faint taste of denial  
She was a mess. And it was all because of the now aptly named nahpocalips. That was suppose to be the end all, be all of her life. More precisely THE END . What does one do whit there life when it precedes it's expiration date? Was there a plan for, after a plan? Was the fact she lived longer than she tough, a part of The plan, or just a fluke beyond even 'Any plan' ?  
This and many more random, chaotic toughs made her do what she was currently doing. Witch was absolutely nothing, beyond staring at a grey always ready to rain British sky , while her body, dressed in a pristine whit shirt and black pants sunk ever deeper in to the muddy bank of the wetlands she decided to confine herself to. Fly's swarmed a round, walking over her body naturally and whit out fear, small crabs occasionally poking at her trying to get a bit of flesh from what they considered to be some form of fresh carcass. Nothing alive can lie still in a stinky muddy ditch, filling up whit sea water for south a prolong time. Right? Oh to be a crab and just...haw this uncomplicated existence. This 'technically' counted as sloth and she was surrounded by decay so 'technically' it was all in her element . But it hardly made her feel better or 'at home' as some native demon would say. 

Rolling her ayes towards the patch a few meters behind where she was lying, she herd somebody jogging by, again. Who ever it was at this point they recognized the even steps as the sound of the same person. Health nut was doing this track for the sixth time in a row. But this time, the steps stooped and everything went quiet, besides the buzzing of flies around her, chirping of birds in the tall grass and the sound of brown rainy sea water rolling in whit the tide.  
Did he keel over due to a cordial infraction? Serves him right...oh no, wait scratch that, there was a distinct sound of feet being placed on the muddy bank. Slush, drag, pop. Slush, drag plop. And so one, until the flies covering her just took off in a swarm, leaving her , like everyone ells in her life. Traitors.  
' Well this is a surprise, you seam alive.' An older gentlemen leaned over her looking curiously at her un moving face. 'i was rather concerned somebody dumped a body here for the tide to cover.'  
When you squint your ayes the man looks a bit like archangel fucking Gabriel . Except he had more deep seat ayes, a heavy bit of grey in his hair and looked positively life worn. Mortal, no doubt a bout it. Real Gabe was to proud to show any sort of flaw in his corporial form. After all he had an 'image' to uphold. She sniffed a bout for any angelic aura, there was a faint glimmer of it, but that might as well came from some sort of paraphernalia he had in a pocket or something. To faint to even be a serving angel. Her own demonic stench would be muted and covered by the natural ambiance of the bog fussing whit her insect aspect right now. so...just two mortals hanging out in the wetlands,at high tide . No big. Right?  
'Hey can you answer me? Or are you a victim of some unfortunate incident paralyze and left for dead? ' The man poked her face earning an irritating snap of teeth as she threaten to bite off the intrusive body part.  
'Aah so you are alive. Good !'  
'Alive and annoyed, don't you haw senseless jogging to do? '  
'Not relay something I Haw to do, just something I like to do. When I feel overwhelmed' The man answers whit a tired voice that makes him almost visually age .  
'yeh well...when I'm overwhelmed I just pretend to be dead. ' Beelzebub shot back not even mustering up any venom in her voice. What was the point?  
'Morbid. ' He concluded whit a mater of fact tone.  
'Yep' She smacked her lips slowly.  
'So, I haw some hot tea in my ...car yes car, at the entrance to the nature reserve. Would you care to join me for a cup? Maybe get the crabs out of your hair?'  
'...You sound like you want to lure me to your car so you can rape and kill me. In fact i bet you were hoping I'm fresh enough to haw your way whit me, didn't you?' Beez offend him using the least energy she cud. Not relay knowing if she cares whether the man stayed or not. What a confusing state.  
'Absolutely not!' He scrunched his nose at that statement, it was kindow funny and Beelzebub chortled silently.  
'Your a prude. '  
'i beg your pardon, I'm already standing in filthy mud, I do NOT want to stick my ...privets.. in something like that, hoping for..i haw no idea what a good outcome would even be in south a situation' .  
'So what your saying is...you haw standards?' Beelzebub props herself up on her elbows.  
'Exactly.'  
'But your inviting a girl that pretends to be dead in some forsaken part of Brittany you don't know to your car for tea?' She deadpanned at him feeling a bit less numb and a bit more stimulated from this sad excuse of a conversation they were hawing. I am truly THAT desperate for any form of distraction, aren't i? She mussed.  
'Yes'.The man nodes whit a smile, the irony of the statement seemingly truly lost on him.  
'Aa girl that stinks like the bog itself , is covered in flies and probably has a crab nest in her hair?' She prompts him. Nobody can be this absurdly blind to red flags. NOBODY.  
'ill lend you some baby wipes...or what ever they call the small useless bits of clothe they produce now a days. I believe they haw an infant on the cover ' Well Dam , SOMEBODY is.  
Beelzebub cuddly help herself, she laughed . Laughed loud and long , laughed until her bones were tired and soul was aching.  
Fuck my life. She concludes. Why not. 

As far as 'first' dates went, drinking tea while spreading stinking polluted water over the immaculate pastel interior of a car that has quite obviously never seen anything dirty in it ,since it came down the construction line, was quite nice . Turned out the jogger. Gabriel as he introduced himself. Oh the ever present irony. She cud not run from that name not at the beginning of creation, and not even after the nahmagedon. Any way as nice and a bit OCD as he was, Gab was quite clearly going thru stuff just as she was. To the point where he didn't even haw the strength to reprimand her for dirtying his car beyond a half hearted snipe, it felt his doing it more out of some odd seance of obligation than caring bout his silly earthly possession .  
'I can relate to what your feeling’ He said’ i'm currently heading an empty department, nothing to do...people are slowly leaving for different places, moving forward somehow ...and I can't , because..well what else would I do? I did this since day one, quite literally. I gave EVERYTHING for this job , never complained a day in my life even when….well...not to get bogged down by details...Point I'm trying to make is ,i understand how it is to suddenly feel like you outlived your purpose in life. Like...theirs no plan beyond this point.’ 

Well smooth talker he wasn't, relay he cud not even, do a pick up line to save his life romancing a dead fish . But at that moment. Whit that confession Beelzebub felt enough sympathy and kinship whit this mortal, she spilled the lukewarm content of the tea cup on his crotch just to haw a flimsy excuse to get his pants off and give him a ride they both wouldn't forget . Suffice to say the ceiling of that pastel car was never again truly white. And Dam was She proud of that stain. 

\---

So from that point on, what started as two losers going at it like dogs in an abandoned parking lot, turned in to a mutual beneficial arrangement. Later on she found out she basically oped the guys chastity belt a new ,since his last GF when he was a teen. It made he feel relay confident in her demonic tempting. Beelzebub would never admit to it, but she felt rusty from lack of contact whit mortals. There was no way a round it do, the amount of paper work to do didn't let her visit to often or stay to long.And after a time Mortals just progressed so far and so fast, she cud no longer keep up whit new trends of tempting needed to succeed. Not going to earth was more of a way to save face. That kid Adam and his complete dismissal of her made that insecurity in the back of her head in to reality. IT made the prince of hell feel like a has bin.  
Then She had to orchestrate Crowley's execution witch rely, despite everything, Beez wanted to avoid like a nothing before. Except, Michael and the lap dog squad gave the proposition in front of the whole hell court. And she cud not be the one to protest against, killing a traitor. Its hell after all, you pay the price for stepping out of line. It was a true relief to haw to toss him out, alive..to prevent riots of course. Yep that was a the best bullshitiest excuse ever . For the grater good type of an excuse .  
Still the fact he never even said anything to them as he left was ...painful. Nobody relay knew this, but long a go when the world still smelled like a new car interior, she had a different name. Hell back then she identified as a He and was personally responsible for implementing the idea of two genders needed for procreation. Raziel master of secrets , The prince of mages and the listener by the throne. Brother to the angel of healing Raphael. The archangel that vanished. He was there after the fall, alongside the rest of the archangels, ready to ring in the new era 'free' of corruption. Then suddenly, he was just gone. Nobody knew why. Or how.  
Well, She knew. The kind hearted idiot of an angel decided on self exile. Raphael wasn't an ideologue by any means, that's why Lucifer's grand plans wen't completely over his head. But he was an inherently decent person, a bit blunt at times but that was the hall mark of a good doctor. Rpah didn't ask to do something, when he deemed it to be right. Just did it. And it so happened, that he had no doubts that instead of being in heaven he was truly needed in Hell, and on Earth where there fallen siblings sufferd from burns, broken bones and broken minds alike. Fucker didn't even bother to leave a note on his way out. Just got up, and left. 

The first time after the fall when Raziel saw him they wept , to this day they didn't know it was joy, pain, disbelief, anger or a combination of all.  
Raphael tended to every angel he cud get to, even if it meant crawling thru hell. Chance the later name witch relay when you boil it down, was more of a nick name that stuck . He even tended to Lucifer himself. Not that anyone remembers nowadays. Sad thing is Raph himself barely remembered . Those days did a number on him, on all of them relay. It wasn't uncommon for demons to not remember. It was almost like a self defense mechanism, helping them to cope. The belief there was notching before. While angels developed a superiority complex (undoubtedly warping there own memories to fit the new narrative) , demons wiped the slate clean.   
To each there own poison Beelzebub supposed. Still, right now she was siting next to this Gabriel guy watching the sun set over the park, huddle up in his oversize hoodie (not relay oversize , just looked like it because of her small size, She liked it, it was like a warm wasp nest build round her) looking at an old beat up and scratched to hell , flip phone Crowley gave her once, it had a nifty little key chain in the shape of a dragon fly. As Raziel he help make them back in the day. In fact, while Raphs proudest accomplishment were the stars, she was immensely proud of figuring out how to give a rainbow shine to chitin wings of insects. And lets not even get started on the intricate pasterns.  
‘is something bothering you?’  
‘ When is it not?’ Beelzebub huffed pulling the hood on, to hide her face. Gabriel sighed and puled it back down effectively electrifying her hair and making it look for the first time in eons, frizzy. Not like a wet rats tail it usually was.  
‘Spit it out, you haw been steering at that thing like it offended you for the whole sunset now’  
‘hymf?’ Bee raised her head to realize that Gabe was indeed right, the sunset was nearly over and there was a surprisingly clear star filled sky above them now , marred by only the faintest remnant of light.  
‘Well crap...your right’  
‘Still not an answer’ He said looking at her sternly, Beez tisked and made a face. Was it normal to find somebody calling your bluff sexy? Or was it just because she spend so much time being sucked up to by low class minions this felt new, and her brain was coping whit this nearly forgotten sensation by linking it to her aspect of sin? Bee tried to make a grab at this pants to distract him but to her surprise she got flicked on the nose.  
‘No’  
‘Did..di..you flicked me on the nose! Like I'm a dog!?’ This guy was asking to die.  
‘Well you were looking for a bone, weren't you?’ He smiled at her indignation and maybe for the first time since Lucifer tried a 'pick up' line on them back in heaven Beelzebub face went aflame whit embarrassment and righteous indignation. Turning there back to him all the prince did was muter ‘shut up, ass’ but they were secretly smiling.  
‘So what is the problem whit your..flip calling device?’ Gabriel tried a new. Bee wonders why dos this exchange feel so... familiar.  
‘i'm...i was just thinking of my brother, haven't spoken to him in moths, I know his fine but..still..we parted on shitty terms, our family pitted us against one another...basically. He walked off after..um making a scene you cud say. Never turned back’  
‘Sounds..rough...something like that happened in my family once, practically split us all down the middle. Never mended that bridge.’ Gabriel answers back and the atmosphere got somber.  
‘You are not helping me feel better.’  
‘Well...maybe that's the lesson in all of this? I can’t make you feel better bout your brother. If you miss him, you haw to be the one to call. ‘  
‘Wait..what? I cant! He has a life now and...uh..’  
‘Do you want to be a part of that life?’  
Beez went silent for a long moment looking a round nervously almost expecting somebody to jump out of the bushes and call her a traitor, drag her back and...well who knows what they do to her before she got dunked in holly water. Still when she looked in to the human slightly violet colored ayes (must be a tricko fot he light she assumed) of this Gabriel she felt oddly compelled to say it how she felt it.  
‘yeh. Yeh I want to. ‘ A demon being honest, She would never live this down if anyone found out.  
'Well then there you go. That's your decision and the only thing you can do is to write him and leave the ball in his court hoping for the best. '  
‘What if he doesn't answer do? What if he put me behind him whit all of our family? ‘  
‘Well not answering in of itself will be an answer..ironically. But at list you can console yourself whit the fact that...it was his choice not your lack of trying… think grief might be easier to digest than regret. By my experience any way’  
‘hah...well..maybe...’She flipped open the phone and stared at the contact just marked ‘R’ only one on THIS phone. ‘But what do I say ?’  
‘Hello?’  
‘Your kidding right?’  
‘Not every start has to be complicated you know’ He shrugged his shoulders’ Sometimes all you need is to start a conversation and hope the rest just ..starts roiling on its own’  
‘Never in my life haw I meet a dumbass like you Gabriel...more often than not you almost sound...smart.’  
‘ill chose to take it as a compliment’  
‘You would wouldn't you ?’ They role there ayes so hard there was an audible pop, but all the same after a few minutes they typed ‘Hey’ in the small text box and push send . First text message they ever made. They relay hoped it wasn't the last one.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well you asked nicely if Crowley wrote back... Hope you like it.

Crowley responded surprisingly fast. Marley after 7 days 18 h (but who is counting) . When the phone buzzed whit a response Beelzebub was in the middle of something she considers now a pure form of torture, worthy of adding to her privet hell domain. Jogging was something only sadist cud enjoy, Gabriel was living prof of this. The message came at a point when they were just asking for mercy. Almost like a miracle… a reason to stop.  
The response was simple  
‘Hey’   
And that's where it stood for the next three months. Because no mater what Gabriel said, or what they tough, Bee couldn't come up whit a follow up. When ever she tried to type a response, finger hovering above a letter in an instant made t her mind go blank, like a page dipped in bleach.   
Bee simply longed off until Gabriel gently took the phone from there hand and place it in her coat pocket (formerly his coat...Bee seamed to leave almost every date they had whit one or more article of clothing of his, like a trophy) whit a concern ‘ Good try, maybe tomorrow ey?’   
It was hard to argue whit that. But it left her in a funk not even dirty sex cud fix. Mind you it was still fun and relaxing but not as usual.   
Oddly enough as they lied on blanket butt naked in the night, on a shabby itchy blanket cooling down from a romp in tall grass. Gabriel inspires her to brake that mental block by asking one simple question.  
‘So what exactly do you do for work?’   
Crap! Uh whats a valid work career now a days?! Is rat catching still a thing? chimney sweeping? Poping up to the surface for a date wasn't the same as knowing whats going on all a round. She barely glided by whit her current information's, as it was. Well con fucking granulation 'Raziel'. Former angel of knowledge. You are officially the demon of all collective ignorant s in existence, whit you on the head of the ship. Her mind went in to a panic mood. A panic mode so strong she hauled herself over Gabriel to grab her phone.   
Gabriel gave out a pain ‘umff’ when she pressed down on his midsection.  
‘ My boyfriend asked my what I'm doing for a living , what is a good cover up ?’ it was instinctive. To turn to Raph for an alibi or social advice for that mater. The phone was silent for a long time that made her epickly nervous before it ping.   
‘Say your an Entomologist.’ Came back.   
‘Hey you finally figured out what to write. That's good’ Gabriel looked at her face illuminated by the blue light. Beez froze and snapped the phone shut.  
‘uh yeh..you..kindow prompted a memory I suppose? Any way I'm an entomologist’ What ever that is. She thinks . Gabriel seamed to be equally as confused. Beez seances told her that if the silence was long enough head ask follow up Questions , and she couldn't haw that. Not until she did her own small research in to it any way .  
‘So..um what do you do?’  
‘i er...um...worked in a company.’   
‘Company doing what?’   
‘hym..i suppose we were ...i'm in a lack for words, its embarrassing...we controlled what goes in and out , and you know made positive high standards are meet, Punish tows who..don't meet the guide lines ahaha..you know..keeping stuff orderly.. ‘  
‘i wont lie that's sounds positively...mind numbingly...boring’ She made a pff sound whit her lips. ‘But hey that fits you.’   
‘Ge thanks’ He roles her off his midsection,whit little to no tenderness. Bee tumbles in to the grass whit a loud umff.   
‘Any way, that's...in the past. My department is going bust. I need to figure out what to do whit my self.’   
‘Well what do you like to do?’  
‘Not relay important to the discussion at hand ...’  
‘isn't it do? I mean best case scenario in life is to do what you like, and get cash and recognition for it… so out whit it, what do you like to do?’  
‘Am..i like fucking you in a field, is that a career path? ‘ Gabriel grind at her his ayes flicker a bit brighter for a moment and she twitched. Must haw been a stray ray of light from a car. Somewhere...far..of...hopefully.   
‘Well you never struck me for a sugar baby but I suppose I cud finance you...’ She plays along’ But there would be a lot more kinks involved in all of it. ‘  
‘How many?’ He propped himself up to gaze in to her ayes reedy for a challenge.  
‘whole dame book if I'm financing it. ‘ She crawled closer ‘Feeling afraid?’  
‘You wish pixy stick’   
‘Why I oath bite that ass of yours for that comment. ‘  
‘Stand in line behind the mosquitoes’ He flexed laying back down and allowing Beez to crawl over him. He looked at her straddling him in the pale moonlight , that starry unpolluted sky glistening behind her. A cool breeze going true her borderline artistically unkempt hair giving him a feeling that some ancient goddess is currently topping him. He cud almost imagine wings behind her. It made him botch horny and sad for some reason.  
‘ You know , if you take a picture it will last longer.’ She snickers.  
‘Or I cud put a ring on it and keep it for my self’ He nipped back, slapping her ass.  
‘Hah! As if you'd be that dumb.’  
Gabriel tisked and reached out for a stray blade of grass .He fashioned it in to a small band and placed it on her finger.   
‘ I dear say I stake my claim. What you going to do a bout it now hym? He challenged. Bee looked at her finger surprised and started laughing rolling to the side .’   
‘ill call your bluff and see how long you'll last. ‘ She snickers looking at the flimsy green band, second after. Gabriel was roiling on top of her, kissing her hand whit a smile and a wink.  
‘Challenge accepted’   
Stupid as it sounded she cud imagine herself humoring this mortal whit a relationship for what ever brief time they would haw whit one another. Amusing and good lovers were hard to come by. 

They separated sometime during the morning...or maybe it was already noon. Point is the sun was up. Gabe drove away in his spotless car, non the wiser she stuffed a pair of fish net stockings in between his car seats for anyone to find. After all A demon has to mark there territory. Bee was just about to snap her clothes back to 'A prince of hell' proper state when the phone rung . Weary tentatively she opens it. Its one thing to exchange a massage whit her estrange sibling but talk? Beelzebub didn't know if she was ready for this. A second later there was Crowley standing beside her, in fucking person , looking a round from behind his black glasses whit a critical look.  
‘Right so wheres this 'boyfriend' of yours little sister, time me and him had the talk.’   
Fuck you Big brother, fuck you.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ah I'm happy you like it. Wasn't ever planing it do go this far , but its fun so ill continue.   
As for the Questions...well the short answer is 'idiots in love' the long answer is, keep reading to find out.

While passerby 'ers that saw them botch definitely turned there heads to the odd couple, most of them had the common seance not to comment on it until they were well out of hearing range. Those who did not, found themselves experiencing an odd bug bite like rash all over there most intimate parts. A benign punishment for gossiping by the standards of hell. If they cud they'd make it ten times worst. But there was an inner blockade that prevented them from doing this in Crowley's presence. HE did love those stupid mortals. And besides they were somewhat justified in there comments. Crowley being Crowley was insanely thin and tall, witch was easy to see even when he was slouched over the bench like it and the sidewalk covered by his legs were his given property. Staring off in to the sky whit a look on his face that cud only be describe as the smile of somebody sucking on a salty slightly moldy lemon. The beer bottle in his hand clanking gently as he taped it on the the side of the bench in not so clear frustration. Next to him sat a petite girly individual looking like a mess. She was also moved so far in to the bench her feet were dangling a few centimeters off the ground kicking the air lazily. A pair of leather boots accompanied a girly looking white dress doted in thousand small fly prints, that seamed to squirm and move if you stared at them for to long. Her clothes, knees and face were covered in grass stains , scrapes and smaller finger shape bruises. Beelzebub the prince of hell was nervously holding her own beer bottle taping on it whit her fingers to a tune of some long forgotten melody . Neither of them dear to speak after the row they had in the parking loot, for fear of starting one again. This is why they went to a public spot after all, to haw something to help them control there emotions...and beer, beer was an impotent component as well. They were here to calm down and give one another space to talk. Or at list that's what she assumed , but as it turned out Crowley was just resting gathering ammunition for a ruthless assault on her life choices.   
‘So..this boyfriend...’  
‘Not a boyfriend. ‘ Bee piped up. This wasn't a prince of hell /subordinate, conversation. This was a good old fashion older brother chewing the younger siblings butt off type of conversation.   
‘Fine this boyfriend, that's NOT a boyfriend, that you marketed CLEARLY as your boyfriend when you asked me in WRITTEN form what to tell your F boyfriend!' Crowley snapped roiling his head towards her, and she flinched. He had her there. A demon putting something in written form is a big deal.   
Bee didn't haw a good answer to that so she just placed the bottle in her mouth and sucked on the neck. From the side that might haw been erotic to some men out there but in reality she was thinking that maybe suffocating this corporal form would give her and easy out of this talk.   
‘Will you stop that?’ Crowley yanked the glass out of her mouth . Knowing all to well how that brain worked.   
‘Hey! I wasn't done whit that!  
‘And I wasn't done whit my angel when you called but grues what? My devilish little sister committing to some mortal guy is kindow a boner killer! You killed my fucking night and now your going to accept me grilling your ass over this.’ He pointed at her whit an audible hiss. Bee retaliated whit an angry buzzing sound. They stared each other down , properly pissed and unyielding as siblings often got in there trivial arguments.   
‘You don't get to judge me, plowing a decidedly not sexy version of a library lady Crowley! ‘She hissed’ So what if I got myself a tempted mortal. ‘  
‘So your planing on dragging his soul in to hell?’  
‘i...er...yes...eventually...i think.’ She broke the staring contest to sit whit her back to Crowley . Gabriel relay wouldn't like it in hell, to dirty for his ocd ass. She tried to justify her unwillingness to dame him whit the fact that loyal service should be rewarded. ‘i am the prince of hell’ She mouths off more to remind herself of this than to make a solid point. And of course Raph picks up on it, he alleyways did. Fucking blood hound for lies that he was.   
‘Fuck no..’ Crowley moaned placing his head in his hands’ Fuck don't tell me...just don't..we just got done averting ONE apocalypse’   
‘What are you on a bout Crowley?’ She snapped back looking at her brother over her shoulder, but refusing to turn to him and face both his accusation and the Truth a bout her own feelings for the mortal named Gabriel.   
‘What I'm fucking on, is the fact your in love whit a mortal. And your using a woman's body you nut case. Remind me once again who made it mandatory females were necessary for the propagation of the species?’ Crude and to the point like the doctor he was at hart.   
Beelzebub's brain refused to even contemplate the L word was used in that sentence and completely skipped over that part like a warped CD skips a chorus only to continue back on its track like notching happens .   
‘Hey lay off that was eons a go, and for the record i don't get what my current reproduction status has to do whit Armageddon.’   
‘Crowley looked a round tensely for unwanted ears before leaning forward and hissing at Bee.  
‘What it has to do whit all of this, is the fact you are a fucking beast of hell fucking a mortal as a woman. If you get pregnant were in line for apocalypse 2.0 . you used protection didn't you?’   
Beelzebub blinked a few times as the information registers. Somewhat more completely than the previous points made by Crowley but this revelation also skipped a few bits. Mostly the one a bout impending motherhood at some point and the implications it would haw for her Gabriel whose life would undoubtedly be shorter and far more tragic. In stead she focused on the flimsy positive of the situation. Demons were like that, artisans at focusing on one small minute thing while ignoring a burning house, roof crashing down on there heads.   
‘Ha..well fuck..i didn't even consider starting it back up...’ She admitted after a moment whit a bit of a smile ‘ I Cud get actual praise for that from Luci’  
‘This is a bloody nightmare. My little sister is restarting Armageddon, fucking a guy that smells like a nun pissed all over his shoes.’  
‘Hey he dos not smell!’   
‘i can smell him ON you. If I can smell it when his gone, he. Smells. And Come to think of it... ‘ He sniffed her a round’ Why don’t I smell you? I mean don't get me wrong you don't smell of roses and daffodils sis but you also don't smell like a demon’   
‘Uh...for one, he dos not smell. its that dam car of his , I'm systematically getting rid of any saints cross'es and rosaries I can find but he keeps replacing them...undoubtedly to annoy me. And second of all ...yes I'm wearing a smell dampener. , if I go to the trouble of hiding my insect aspect, might as well do it right. ..weren't you the one to patent the ‘brimstone be gone’ trick any way?’   
‘Oh noo you don't, your not turning this on me. I had to invent that to live among the humans.’   
‘And I'm using it now to fuck the living day light out of one, thank you for your service Crowley. If we were still professionally affiliated id write you a commendation.’ She huffed. Crowley was just a bout done whit it throwing his hands in the air.   
‘Did you think any of this true? Like any of it?’   
‘Theirs nothing to THINK a bout , I just pop in and out for a fun romp its not..’ She got a cell phone showed in her face, displaying her previous texts.   
‘boyfriend Raz, you staked a claim in writing for fuck sake. You committed to a mortal!’ Crowley garbed her hand to show her the grass ring’ You accepted a toke ‘ He looked her in the ayes ‘And I can tell you right now you haw that same disgusting look in your ayes you had back THEN. Your . in. Love’   
Well Crowley did just invade her personal space approximately three times, so by any and all standards Bee was completely justified for punching him in the face whit enough force to not just push him off the bench but to fling him in to the trash can next to it.  
'I AM NOT RAPHAEL! AND DON'T YOU TELL ME WHATS IN MY HEAD LIKE YOU FUCKING KNOW!’ She wailed at him in a voice only a demon can make ,getting the attention of everyone on the street, causing a few cars to violently brake creating a small pile up on the normally sleepy road. And as the anode honking and cursing began , but before Crowley cud compose himself enough to strike back. She was gone. For the rest of the day Hell was truly ran raged, and breathless by a small tyrant on an oversize throne that was dealing whit millennia of emotional baggage the only way she knew how. By converting it all in to cold furry.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a bit of Beelzebub ranting a bout there Life, and a bit of hell sibling banter. Hope you find it as fun as i had writing it.

Fun fact a bout demons almost nobody knows, is. They haw more in common whit cold blooded creatures than whit most mammals. Yes there body temperature on average is a bit higher than normal, thanks to the inner hell fire. But exposed to prolonged cold that gets exploited fast. And the bear minimum that remains is redistributed to keep the physical form alive. That's why the ‘Hollies’ time of the year is free of demons (also why theirs no demons at the poles) . Because incidentally it comes right at the time when its freaking cold outside, and no self respecting sober demon whit two brain cells to rub together will be cough outside (beyond the scope of the equator any way) . Except for CROWLEY. Funny how often Bee had to make that annotation in her day to day work. 

Most demons believed him to be INSANE for choosing earth in the cold months. But the thing is, ever since Crowley vent 'native' so to speak. He figured out how to bypass this natural restriction. It mostly hinged on mauled wine, warm clothes and nowadays curling up as a snake in a sweeter under neath Azuraphel sweater west while the angel sat next to a roaring fire.   
Side effect were, apparently Azura lost a few stones from a prolonged sauna treatment Crowley had been giving him.   
Thing is, normalcy the snake of Eden would be happy whit his life, at this point at list . And he was, for the most part. But now. When autumn roles a round and Halloween officially rained in the season for smart demons going under ground (or in his case getting cozy whit mauled whine in a dead pool sweater ) he was staring moply out the window thinking.  
‘ Bee is completely out of her element whit this’ He sighed and smiled to himself ’Eh it cant be that bad, there the prince of hell...there ..smart...they will figure it out on the..pardon the expression fly’ His talking to nobody in particular right now, maybe except for his own reflection that looks at him whit his ‘Bs’ ayes. Opening up his phone he sends one more quick message.

***  
Beelzebub was currently only a pair of angry red ayes glaring at a flashing silver phone that buzzed and rattled like severed limb suddenly connected to an electrical current.  
Crowley was massaging them again.   
They buzzed irritated from under the small pile of stolen clothes they procured from there mortal like an animal would growl at something electronic mocking there call. This dirty clothes pile wasn't an odd thing In fact there room was filed whit a lot of horded trash and piles of clothing they got from other conquests. Some of them were so old they looked like bug ridden piles of former rags , long since tossed from her bed on to the floor and forgotten. That's how it goes. Gabriel's clothes would probably end on the floor same one day. Long after he died of old age. Demons memory is perfect, but time has a tendency to dull things. For some reason the tough of this man becoming a gray memory in the back of her head made her oddly sad. Cud be also the fact it got her to thinking, was there a small pile of her things somewhere UP there, tossed to the floor ore more accurately just tossed out. Or maybe it was the fact that word got a round that the archangel fucking Gabriel was going a round whit some mortal. The suspicion was that heaven will be trying to restart Armageddon but this time whit a champion of there own begotten by an un fallen angel. Because the whole nephilm thing wasn't a right mess that required a flood to sort out, right? Why not try again in an era whit actual   
active nuclear potential.  
What cud go wrong?  
Seriously.   
Gabriel you fucker, you are suppose to be smarter than this.   
If you do this shit, don't. get. caught.   
Ah who is she kidding right now. Gabriel is the perfect messenger, just as he was when they were yungens. If theirs one thing that's not in his nature is keeping information to himself unless his strictly told to not say anything. That's why they instinctively paired up back in the day, master of secrets and the godly messenger.  
Perfection.   
But as of now?   
Fuck , archangel, fucking Gabriel right in the ass whit the cold end of a blazing red hot pitchfork. HIM and that Fucking snitch that told she was sneaking off to earth and coming back whit lover trophies. This whole revelation snowballed in to a direct plan that she is to procure a half offspring of there own, to pit against the forces of heaven.   
Now fair point, she was kindow jazzed by the idea in a ‘Well fuck my life’ way when Crowley pointed it out. But she was not happy being ordered to do it. NOBODY orders the prince of fucking hell a round, especially not to spreed out and take it like some cheap harlot. Funny how something becoming a job and/or a mandatory thing instantly makes it not fun.   
Lucifer cud put a stop to this dumb idea of course. IF HE WAS PRESENT! Brat. Him and Raph had always been like that. everyone did there fucking job in heaven and hell except for them, one day you blink and bam there gone. off to hell knows where doing there own thing that is NOT THERE FUCKING JOB. whiol were expending the list of pitchforks in the ass, lets add the name Lucifer to it.   
Do she had doubts whether he wouldn't like it.   
You cud never tell whit him.   
Raph was minimally better.   
Were was her brain when she decided to hang out whit tows two millennia a go? WHERE!?   
Beelzebub spirals from a state of rage to a newfound state of 'this is my life' , and then back again, like a flimsy rollercoaster ride she cant get out of. 

This was mostly why she was currently buzzing a bout in a nest made of covers, covered by dirty clothes ignoring the world until it either a) grows a brain and decides its a good idea to leave her bee (pun not intended) . Or b) forgets a bout her and leaves her alone. Either way she wins. Paperwork be dame. The prince was on strike! They invented it so it was only fitting. Beelzebub paused. Did they invent it? Crowley said so..but...Crowley was Crowley… tentatively she reached out for the phone and riled it in to the pile of clothes like a spider pouncing on a victim.   
The message box was filled whit text.   
‘You want to haw a human identity. Get a house. ‘   
‘Found you a nice ruin close to that 'love bog' of yours’  
‘I bought you that ruin’  
‘As punishment for not answering I got rid of the termites and miracled it spotless clean.’  
‘Bee answer me or i'm letting Azuraphel decorate your new home, you know he means doilies’  
‘Com on bee...’  
‘Are you keeping warm?’   
‘Remember were cold blooded now?’  
Hey.’  
Hey’  
Hey’  
Hey’  
Hey’  
Hey’  
Heyy’  
‘I can do this for the next 50 years you know?’  
Hey’  
Hey’  
Hey’  
Hey’  
‘Best if you answer sis.’   
Hey hey   
Hey ‘hey  
Hey’  
Bee groaned out loud, in true pain only a sibling of something this annoying can feel. But yes she wrote back, when she saw the barrage of ‘hey’s flood in when she barely manege to deleted up the old ones . She needed to do it at list a few time before Crowley massages were coming in, in real time.   
‘Fine I'm writing back. Did you invent Strikes or was that a lie?’  
Ther was a long silence where the prince scoffed . Of course he lied.  
‘Okay the thing whit that is...its kindow a team effort. Azura suggested humans stop working , until somebody comes to listen to there 'reasonable' demands , but I got bored.... ‘  
'Aand maybe drunk...and might haw thrown the first stick that start a riot’  
There was a pous.  
'But hey it worked and then we came up whit the idea of worker unions...and...well honestly neither of us is responsible for that mess beiuond talking wher we cud be overheard, that's just chaos theory in action'   
‘Are you telling ME, we send you a commendation for an angels work?!’  
‘You'd be surprised how often that happened, we were’ 

Beelzebub closed the phone and took a few breathes to calm herself down. before she cud relay and truly get back to a reasonably not angry 'i will become an only sibling' state of mind the phone buzzed again . This time it displayed an animated yelling face of something pastel called 'Aggretsuko' whit the caption.   
'hey! its you!' from Crowley. 

Dagon Was a bout to knock on Beelzebubs door when a sudden heavy metal roar tore thru the air of the underground. And it wasn't just regurgitated audio from a tv clip. They decided to drop the hand being a bout to knock, turn on there heal and come back, a different day. After they sent a suitable sacrifice for the rage beast.


End file.
